Twelve Days of Crackfic
by Pythagorean Guardian Angle
Summary: Giving presents can be hard enough for normal people. When the characters of Rurouni Kenshin are involved, results are liable to be disastrous. Merry Christmas! [Collab. by SiriusFan13, Jupesan, misaoshiru, and PunchBuggy. And possibly Super Sheba.]
1. Doomfulness

This fic is an experiment and a collaboration between misaoshiru, Jupe-san, PunchBuggy, and SiriusFan13. It is also pure crack. All of the above are fanfiction writers who can be found on this site under the above pen names.

This particular entry was supposed to be posted yesterday, but complications arose and were (eventually) dealt with. Sorry 'bout that, folks. As a result, we're running a little behind, but with a little luck, that will be fixed by the time we reach the end.

As a whole, this fic is rated T. Entries will be individually rated for content, but none shall exceed T. Mainly, the reason for the rating is that misaoshiru may well be incapable of writing three crackfics without at least mild swearing and innuendo.

Onward!

Disclaimer: Pythagorean Guardian Angle, and all parties thereof, does not own Rurouni Kenshin. RK is owned by Nobuhiro Watsuki and various corporations, and we hold no part in any of the above. Used without permission, but not for profit.

Warnings: Very little, actually. General inanity. One moment of...slightly sexual language. Probably would qualify for a K-plus rating.

**The Amazing Doomfulness of Doom…Or Something**

_by misaoshiru_

It was a cool winter morning in the Region Formerly Known As Aizu (which shall henceforth be called simply RFKAA.) It had not snowed the previous night, but the rooftops had collected a thin layer of frost. Megumi pulled her coat more tightly around herself as she went to check the mail. Surprisingly enough, she had received a large crate with no return address and an envelope attached to the front. As she removed the letter, Megumi heard the crate squawk. She groaned; this had Tori Atama written _all_ over it.

Megumi opened the envelope with care and stared at the paper within. It was written on in Sanosuke's chicken scratch. (_No_ pun intended. Honest!)

((Someone whacks misaoshiru over the head with a mallet. This happens quite often. You'll get used to it.))

Spots from various unknown foodstuffs practically coated the whole letter, and it absolutely reeked of alcohol. Even so, it was somehow legible enough for Megumi to decipher.

"Hey, Fox," the letter read. Megumi could practically hear his slur. "I'm writing you from, uh, somewhere in northern Europe. Lithuania, Yugoslavia, Atlantis…I can never keep them all straight. I AM NOT LOST!

"Anyway, I won this thing gambling, and I thought you'd like it. Maybe you could cook it or something. See you whenever.

"—Sagara Sanosuke."

Megumi smiled, despite herself. The crate squawked. "Shut up."

* * *

It took Megumi, the head doctor, twelve clinicians calling, eleven patients moaning, ten parsons praying, nine ladies dyeing (their hair, that is,) eight men dismantling, seven soldiers stabbing, six geezers complaining, five golden wrenches, four crawling babies, three French whores, two tavern dudes, and a partridge in a pear tree to get the crate open. When the walls fell open, the group let out a unanimous, "OMG kawaii!" like a bunch of American fangirls whose Japanese was limited to that word and "baka."

* * *

In Tokyo, at the Kamiya dojo, it was a calm winter morning, a bit chilly but not too cold. The moment Megumi's pet stepped onto the path, though, a pouring rain began to fell. Megumi was unperturbed, however, leading it to the gate and knocking as if nothing at all was unusual. 

The gate cracked open a little. "Me—Megumi-san," Kaoru said, eyes widened. "I didn't know you'd be visiting."

"I wasn't planning to," Megumi noted. "I just wanted to show you what Sanosuke sent me."

"Couldn't you have taken a picture of it and sent it to us?"

"Nope, afraid not. Plot development and all. Sorry if I'm intruding."

"No, it's fine. What is that thing, anyway?"

"I believe it's called a penguin. I named it Kawaii, because everyone knows fanfiction writers know hardly any Japanese."

"Well, it certainly is cute. Come inside, out of the rain."

* * *

Oddly enough, during Megumi's weeklong visit to Tokyo, she spent hardly any time at the dojo. Where she went isn't important. What is important is what happened while she was gone. 

When Kawaii was around, things seemed to go…missing. And Kenshin swore he was being followed, in his own home! That was when the attacks began.

It was an otherwise uninteresting morning. Kenshin had gone to the market for tofu and other various groceries, as he often does. Suddenly, because these things rarely happen gradually, a cry came out: "Get him!" And, just to keep this from becoming overly predictable, Kenshin is dogpiled (penguinpiled?) by about ten to twenty Penguin Mafiosi.

"Oro…"

"Oy, fat Larry, get your tail out of my face!"

"I will if Fibonacci will get his beak out of my arm…er, wingpit."

* * *

Kaoru was attempting to cook on the third day. This was dangerous enough as it was, but when Kawaii entered, hiding a bottle of Muy Caliente brand hot sauce, trouble was a-brewing. 

"Oh, cutie," she said, walking towards it and picking it up, setting the penguin on the counter. "Want to help me cook?"

Kawaii would have grinned if it was possible for a penguin to grin. This was just _too_ easy.

* * *

On the fourth day, Yahiko was practicing his kendo. Kawaii watched patiently, awaiting the opportunity for "havoc, chaos, and insanity, oh my!" that was sure to present itself. And present itself it did. Yahiko set down his shinai for only a few minutes, going to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Seizing the opportunity, Kawaii picked up the shinai and filled it with heavy sands. Too easy.

* * *

During the morning of the fifth day, Kawaii _just happened _to find a coupon for a free two-day visit to a hot spring. Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko were all too happy to leave the "innocent" penguin in order to spend the time relaxing in nature's spa. Can you say, "Twenty-four hour party?" I thought you could. 

The dojo's residents came home to find the place trashed, smelling of booze, and Kawaii wearing a lampshade over his head. Oh, it was _so_ on now.

* * *

"Where's Kawaii?" 

"Torture chamber."

"…Kaoru, what are you talking about?"

"…Did I say torture chamber? I meant closet."

"Why is my pet penguin in the closet?"

"Because he's evil!"

"He is not evil!"

"Megumi, he tried to kill Kenshin, made my food taste awful-"

"Doesn't take a penguin to do that."

"Shut up, Yahiko. Anyway, he sabotaged Yahiko's shinai and threw a wild house party without even inviting us!"

"…He's just misunderstood."

"Right. And now I suppose you'll tell me that a fat guy flies around the entire world in one night, going down chimneys and giving gifts to good little girls and boys?"

"Kawaii and I are leaving. We'll find more tolerant company. Thank you for your hospitality, Tanuki."

"_Kitsune_…!"

As Megumi and her pet penguin left, Kaoru and the others _swore_ that the penguin was smirking at them.

* * *

**End**


	2. Puzzle Perils

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Battousai, Iizuka, RK or a Rubik's cube. I wouldn't mind getting one of them (any of them, really… except for Iizuka. -stabs-) for Christmas, though. -ninja-

**Puzzle Perils  
**_by Jupe-san_

"Hey, Battousai! Someone sent you a package!"

Himura turned towards the intruder slightly, eyes narrowed imperceptibly in suspicion.

The hitokiri Battousai did _not_ get packages.

Iizuka, oblivious to the assassin's customary glare, plopped the small brown paper-wrapped box into his hands. "Maybe it's from a lady friend, eh? Eh?"

_That_ glare Iizuka noticed.

Once he was alone, Himura turned his attention to the innocent-looking box in his palm. It was rather small, tied with a bland piece of string, with a plain card attached to it. He turned the slip of paper over to read the inscription.

_Merry Christmas, baka deshi. Maybe this will improve your weak mind enough that you'll have the sense to come back to me._

_- Your Shishou_

Himura glared at the card as a substitute for the sender. It spontaneously burst into flames.

'…Wish that'd work on Shishou, too.'

He returned his gaze to the package. Curiosity warred with suspicion, and, hesitantly, he untied the string, freeing the paper.

As the brown crinkly paper fell to the floor, a brightly multi-colored cube was revealed.

'What on earth…'

There was an instruction booklet. It wasn't very large, just a folded piece of slick paper, but after reading it he knew better what the object in his hand was.

"A Rubik's cube, hn?"

He turned the cube over a few times, observing the different colors and placements.

So, his Shishou had another training exercise for him?

His grin glinted in the darkness of his room.

* * *

"Oi, Battousai, I've got something for you," Iizuka said cheerily, waving a black envelope above his head. When no reply was forthcoming, he slid open the shoji. "Battousai, you in here?"

The scene he interrupted wasn't what he'd been expecting. Cleaning his swords, meditating, taking a nap, hell, even having a lady friend over he might have expected.

Battousai sitting in the middle of the room, fully concentrating on a brightly-colored box he had _not_ anticipated.

The assassin's head snapped up the moment Iizuka set foot into the room, his amber eyes slits.

Was he _growling?_

"Got some missions for you, Batts," he said hesitantly, envelopes held loosely in his hand. Himura glared at him silently.

"Er, right. Well, here they are, then! I'll just go, um, visit the red light district in the middle of the day. Yeah. Toodles!" He dropped the envelopes and beat a hasty retreat.

'My glare must be extra-frigid today,' Himura mused, pocketing the envelopes.

'Now, if I turn the middle row this way…'

* * *

He heard the whispers and the quiet conversation before he saw what it was about.

"Your cheek's been-"

"It's nothing."

Himura's voice was strangely faint, as though he wasn't really paying attention to the world.

'Odd…'

And then he saw the slice on the hitokiri's cheek, still oozing blood.

'Even odder. Nobody's ever even _touched_ him before!'

"But...this man must have been quite a swordsman to injure the great Himura..."

"No. His skill was nothing. But his desperation to live was terrible... Please take care of the rest. Please achieve happiness in your next life."

"Hm? Did you say something?"

"No. nothing," Himura replied, absently, as he straightened himself and disappeared. 'Thank the kami for small favors. The pattern of blood and flowers against the ground has enlightened me. So, if I twist the outside left row backwards, and then the middle one crosswise and to the right…'

Iizuka watched him go, curiosity etched into his features.

'What the hell is up with Battousai?'

* * *

Himura's condition was worsening every day. He no longer came down to meals, and even if food was left for him in his room, it was ignored more often than not. His assassinations were getting sloppier, his mood was getting fouler, and he had bags under his eyes to rival a tanuki.

Iizuka, frankly, was getting worried.

Not that he cared or anything. He would just miss being able to pick on the guy if he up and died on him.

Really.

Resolved, he rose from his seat at the table and prepared to make his way to the lion's den.

His hand was on the shoji, when the most cruel, evil and maniacal laugh he had ever heard erupted from the room.

"You were a difficult case to crack, Rubik, but you were no match for the hitokiri Battousai! Ha-ha! Hahaha! Mwahahahahahaa!!"

It scared him shitless.

_Sleep eluded the Ishin-shishi for days._

* * *

Somewhere, on a mountain top, a man drank sake and smiled.

"Baka deshi."

* * *

Owari.

Glossary:

hitokiri Battousai – assassin + master of battoujutsu

baka deshi – stupid pupil

Shishou – honorable title for a master

kami – god, spirit, deity

Ishin-Shishi – the rebel faction that Kenshin was an assassin for

tanuki -- raccoon dog. (A canine that resembles a raccoon. No, really.) Often used in reference to Kaoru, though not in this crackfic.

shoji -- rice paper doors

* * *

AN: And Jupe delves, once again, into the world of crack.

I do not like the ending for this piece. At all.

…Oh well.


	3. A Christmas Cacophony

"**A Christmas Cacophony"  
**_by SiriusFan13_**  
**

Yuikishiro Enishi sat brooding as usual in his room. It was a lovely day. The sun was streaming in through the windows, and the winter snows had lent a beautiful frost to everything around him. It was paradise, plain and simple. But as usual, Enishi was more focused on his internal hell to enjoy that. The singing of the few birds he heard just made him want to throw a rock to shut it up. And the snow made him thing of his dearest, belovedest, most wonderful sister in the entire world (incidentally, his only sister... who also had listed among those virtues, that of being dead.)

Today was Monday. Christmas for some, but for Enishi it was his "Day to Contemplate Battousai's Death." He had all the days of the week named out that way. Thursday was "Day to Kill Battousai." He wasn't even sure how he was going to manage that as a Thursday goal, but it seemed like a good plan, nonetheless... So the fact that today was Christmas meant _nothing_ to him. This irritated the rest of his special forces group to no end, and they'd taken to calling him Scrooge (based on some new book that had fallen into Enishi's possession.) Enishi didn't really care what they called him. So he was a Scrooge, huh? Fine. "Bah, humbug!" (however that translates into Japanese).

He sat glowering at his window, when suddenly the bell in his room began ringing for no reason. Then stopped. Enishi raised an eyebrow and stared at it. _Well, that was kind of creepy. No one else was even supposed to be in the house._

Then the thumping began, like a body being dragged up the stairs from the lower floors. And... was that the clink of chains? Enishi's eyes strayed back to the copy of _A Christmas Carol_, which lay on the floor where he'd tossed it last night. "_So much for reading ghost stories before bed_," he thought. Honestly, he wasn't overly frightened. He could only think of one ghost that was going to visit him, and she was certainly no Jacob Marley. Living the life he had (even if it _was _ only in his mind), the idea of ghosts wasn't all that creepy to him.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Almost to his floor.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

At his door. Enishi tensed just as the door flew open... and there she was. As lovely as ever, if not quite as lively. Enishi sprang to his feet, wondering if he could embrace a spirit, when he noticed that she appeared to be only half conscious, and supported by someone else.

_What the hell?_

She flopped a few steps further, and suddenly Gein's head appeared behind her shoulder.

Enishi's jaw dropped and he just stared. _What the **hell**_?

"Merry Christmas." Gein finished dragging her in with the chains he'd been using, and dumped her onto a chair. "I thought since I'd just finished up Iwanbo, that maybe I'd take a little time to make you a Christmas gift. You know... cheer you up."

Gein seemed pleased with himself.

Enishi was still staring at his sister, flopped into a chair. He was speechless.

Gein took that as meaning that Enishi was too excited for words. He continued happily. "And I even added a special feature." He walked over, and pushed the doll forward to show her back.

Enishi twitched.

Suddenly Gein yanked at something. "I made it so she can speak. See? A pull string!" He let go of the string,

"Merry Christmas, brother," the Tomoe doll said in a voice that sounded curiously like Gein's.

Enishi twitched again.

Gein noticed, and commented, "Well, I was the only one around, so I just recorded my own voice... but we can fix that later. And if you give her something to drink, she even--"

He wasn't given the chance to finish, because at that moment, Enishi got his wits together, and with a yelp, threw his copy of _A Christmas Carol_ at Gein's head.

Gein finally realized that his gift was not appreciated, and dodging more flying books, rushed from the room.

Enishi threw a few more for good measure, and then stood for a moment by the bookshelf, panting and swearing under his breath. The twitch in his eyebrow seemed to have almost become permanent now.

He took a deep breath and walked over to the door, kicking loose books out of the way, and shut it. Then, he walked back over to the doll. He stared at it a moment, and then set her back up, quickly tugging at the string.

"Merry Christmas, brother," she said again in Gein's voice.

Enishi smiled faintly, and replied, "Merry Christmas, sister." Then, remember what else Gein had said, asked, "Would you like some tea?

**Owari**

_Author's note: Enjoy this installment in the crackfics of Christmas._

_Please review!_

_Dewa mata!_


	4. How Much Is That Kenshin In the Window?

Please excuse misaoshiru while she goes and kills Jupe-san for not giving this a title...

**How Much Is That Kenshin In the Window?  
**_by Jupe, the slacker_

_How much is that doggy in the window?_

_The one with the waggledy tail!_

_How much is that doggy in the window?_

_I do hope that doggy's for sale!_

* * *

Himura Kenshin was minding his own business one glorious day in the middle of whichever season you'd prefer to picture him in, strolling through the market, tofu-bucket in hand, when he came across a stall he'd never seen before.

The new store was doubly intriguing to him. Firstly, he wanted to see what they were selling in such a brightly-colored stall (electric blue was a rather loud color) and, secondly, he wanted to ask if they possibly knew where the tofu-vendor had relocated himself (they were in his spot, after all).

So he slipped into the unidentified store and browsed through the wares while the clerk was busy with another customer.

It had to be a food vendor of some sort. There were animals everywhere- dogs, cats, rather skinny birds, fish, even the occasional monkey or turtle.

'An exotic foods store, then.'

He had just picked up a particularly plump puppy, considering whether it would feed the entire dojo for more than one meal – _not with Sano and Yahiko around_ – when the store owner let out a shrill shriek, rather like the kind a fangirl makes when they see the object of their obsession at an anime con.

"My god, It's _Kenshin_. With a _puppy_. How cute is _that?_"

Apparently, it _was_ the kind a fangirl makes when they see the object of their obsession. Just not at a con.

Kenshin turned around, puppy still held in his hands, to face the store owner.

"Good day, exotic-foods-store-owner-dono, but how much would you charge for this animal?"

Starry-eyed, the store owner clasped her hands beneath her chin and shook her head vehemently.

"I couldn't charge _Kenshin_ for a _puppy_! Heaven forbid! Take it for free! My god, I'm going to faint! Eeeeeeeee!"

Decidedly disturbed, Kenshin pried the fangirl from his person (she'd somehow attached herself to his hakama, and, _wow_ those fangirls have death-grips) and plopped the puppy into his still-empty tofu bucket. It wasn't like he was going to be able to buy tofu today. The tofu vendor had, as aforementioned, relocated.

With a sigh, he trudged back towards the dojo, glancing at the puppy occasionally to make certain it hadn't started chewing on the bucket.

It had.

He could only hope that the offering of a plump puppy would be enough to stave off Kaoru's anger.

It was.

As soon as he set foot into the dojo grounds, he was accosted by a frothing Kaoru. Apparently, Yahiko had worked her into a rage and then slipped out to meet up with Tsubame, leaving Kenshin to handle the savage beast.

The savage beast melted when two pairs of puppy eyes were turned on her.

With a squeal that rivaled the vendor's from earlier, Kaoru scooped up the puppy and smiled at it with starry eyes.

"Wherever did you _get_ this puppy? It's adorable!" she tittered, twirling around with the puppy in her hands.

"This one was given the animal at a new stall that has replaced the tofu vendor. This one apologizes for not buying any tofu, Kaoru-dono."

She waved off his apologies with one hand while she cradled the wide-eyed puppy to her chest with the other one. "Don't worry about it. Oro and I are going to go see what we have in the kitchen that we can cook instead, ne, Oro?"

That said, Kaoru flounced towards the kitchen, puppy, now known as Oro, drooling enthusiastically on her kimono.

"…Oro?"

* * *

Kenshin looked longingly at the puppy ensconced in Kaoru's lap as he attempted to stomach his meal.

Oro would probably taste better _raw_ than whatever the heck _this_ was.

Slightly queasy, Kenshin pushed his bowl away and stood. "This one will retire for the evening, de gozaru. It has been a long day."

Kaoru didn't even acknowledge him, too absorbed in the furry bundle of cuteness in her arms.

Kenshin sighed.

The puppy was looking tastier by the minute.

* * *

The next day, Kenshin set out once again to purchase tofu, as he did not want a repeat of the previous night. Shuddering, he strolled through the streets of the market, using his spide- er, hitokiri senses to locate the tofu vendor. Why he had not utilized them the previous day is one of the many mysteries of life.

At any rate, he soon found himself in possession of as much tofu as he needed, and walked back to the dojo with a fresh spring in his step. When he entered the dojo, he was met with the all-too-familiar sounds of a hopping mad Kaoru.

"YOU -bleep- ANIMAL! I'M GOING TO GO KAMIYA KASSHIN-RYUU ON YOUR -bleeping- -bleep- AND I WON'T USE A BOKKEN! NO, WAIT, I WILL!! I'LL -bleeping- _CLUB_ YOU TO DEATH!"

Apparently, Oro had fallen from Kaoru's graces.

Curious (and relieved), Kenshin followed the sounds of death wails and expletives even he didn't know to the practice hall. There, lying innocently on the floor, was the reason for the turmoil in the normally (hah!) peaceful dojo.

A half-chewed bokken.

'Oh dear,' he thought, glancing worriedly at the cowering, beaten and bruised puppy panting on the dojo floor.

"Um, Kaoru-dono?"

An animalistic growl was his answer.

Violet eyes wide, Kenshin took a step backwards.

"Thi-this one could return the puppy to the store he got it from, de gozaru."

Kaoru's eyes were narrowed to slits as she kicked the whimpering puppy towards him. "Get that... that _thing_ out of here. Before I _kill it_."

He was gone before you could say "oro."

* * *

The exotic foods store owner was only too happy to take back the puppy, cooing sweet nothings in its ear to comfort it after its ordeal.

Somehow, she had managed to coerce him into taking a cat home, instead.

He dreaded the presentation to Kaoru.

* * *

She had actually liked the cat, amazingly.

Until it clawed her practice dummies into ribbons.

Then the cat was returned to the strange store, but he hadn't been able to leave without yet another animal, this time a bird.

Which did unmentionable things to the laundry hanging on the line. Most specifically, Kaoru's favorite kimono.

The now mostly bald bird was exchanged for a pretty fish.

Kenshin figured a fish wouldn't be _too_ much trouble. I mean, _come on_. It was a _fish_.

Unfortunately, it had only been swimming happily in its makeshift pond (Kenshin's laundry tub) for one day before Sano caught sight of it and ate it.

The exotic foods store owner wouldn't take Sano in exchange for another fish. She did, however, make several not-so-subtle hints that Kenshin himself would be more than enough payment for a replacement fish.

Kaoru didn't approve.

Which gave Sano a positively _splendid_ idea.

* * *

"This one isn't sure about this…"

"Oh, come on. How bad could it be?"

"Considering what happened to the puppy, very bad."

"But you're not a puppy. You're _Kenshin_. You're _way_ better than a puppy, trust me."

"Oro…"

"SAGARA SANOSUKE, IF I FIND ONE MORE GOURD OF SAKE IN MY HOUSE I'M GOING TO MAKE MEGUMI CASTRATE YOU!"

"That's your cue."

"Oro!"

"SANOSU- Oh! Hey, Kenshin. What's with the collar?"

"Woof woof."

"…What did you just say?"

"Woof! Woof woof!"

"…Kenshin? Did Sano put you up to this?"

"Grrrrrrrrrrr."

"…"

"…"

"YOU'RE SO CUTE!!!!!"

"Oro!"

* * *

**End **

* * *

And now...for a note from misaoshiru...will someone please tell Jupe that the ending is _fine_? XD

...My second crackfic _should_ be up sometime tonight, if I can get on the right computer to post it. Look forward to it...please? XD


	5. Anachronism? What Anachronism?

**Anachronism? What Anachronism?**  
_by misaoshiru_

"Morning, Tsubame-chan!"

"Good morning, Yahiko-kun. How was your weekend?"

"Busy. Practiced a lot."

"Mm. Oh, I have something for you."

"Really?"

"Yes. Tae-san has a cousin who works in retail, and he sends extras to Tae-san every now and then. She said she thought you would use it more than her, though, so, umm..."

"She asked you to give it to me?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"It's a Gameboy. You can play 'video games' on it."

"Cool! ...What are video games?"

"I don't know. I don't think they'll be invented for another hundred years."

"So how is it that I'm holding one?"

"...I don't know."

* * *

"Yahiko-kun?"

"Yes, Tsubame-chan?"

"Where are we going to go tonight?"

"Huh?"

"You were going to take me out to dinner, right?"

"Uh, oh, right... Well...we'll go to the dojo."

"Yahiko-kun...I like Kenshin-san and his family as much as you do, but we went there last time. Besides, I don't want to intrude on Kaoru-san."

"Well, I'll think of somewhere."

"What are you playing?"

"Tetris."

"Ah."

* * *

"Ne, Yahiko-kun?"

"Yes, dear."

"Why didn't we go anywhere last night?"

"Mmhmm."

"You never picked me up for our date."

"You're right, like always."

"Are you even paying attention to me?"

"Yes."

"...Are you an elephant in a tutu, serenading a dolphin with a flute made of cheese?"

"Of course."

"Yahiko-kun!"

"What? You just messed up my game! Tsuba-a-ame!"

"Why didn't we go out last night?"

"Oh, uh, sorry. I forgot."

"It's okay, Yahiko-kun. Let's just do it tonight instead."

* * *

"I love you, baby."

"Aww, Yahiko-kun, I love you too."

"I want to marry you."

"...But aren't we a little young?"

"We'll have all kinds of babies together. They'll have my eyes, but they'll have your beautiful L-block shaped figure."

_Slap!_ "Oww! Tsubame-chan, what was that for?"

"Yahiko-kun, we're through!"

/Oh, scene break. I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come...\

"Tsubame-chan, I'm sorry!"

"..."

"I mean it!"

"..."

"Please! I love you! I need you! Let me prove it to you! I'll do anything!"

"Well..."

* * *

"Yahiko-kun, I won't bite. Come out here, please."

"...But this costume is so embarrassing."

"You said you'd do anything."

"I didn't know you'd be so sadistic!"

"Please, Yahiko-kun?"

"...All right. Fine."

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

"Oro."

_Smack! _"Say it right, slave, or it's the couch for you!"

"Yes, mistress! I mean, pika! Chuuu..."


	6. May the Baka be with You

"**May the Baka be with You"  
**_by SiriusFan13_

The box was small and black, with shiny paper on it. It was held together with string made out of more of the shiny stuff. Kenshin had been poking at it for half an hour with the tip of his sakabatou... ever since he'd first noticed it (and its little tag) lying in the middle of the engawa. It was most frustrating...

He poked again. Really, he was just going to have to open it soon. If anyone came and saw him crouched in the doorway, poking a tiny box, he'd never hear the end of it. Even the innocent rurouni wouldn't be that dense... usually... Kenshin sweatdropped.

Carefully, he leaned forward and tugged at one of the neatly tied strings. The bow came undone, and, though it should have taken no time at all to finish unwrapping, Kenshin took his time. This thing was weird. He didn't like it. Something deep within told him it was evil, and it was somehow going to kill him. He didn't particularly like things that wanted to kill him. Things that wanted to kill him generally tried to make him crazy first and then tried to kill his friends. Then again, Enishi was probably _not_ stuffed in the small box...

Finally the wrapping was off, and a slender black case was exposed. One push of the silver button and the case opened to expose... A weird looking sword hilt...

_That's it?_

Kenshin sweatdropped again. It was sort of disappointing. He was glad now that no one had seen his early protection against the ravages of the shiny package. In retrospect, it was probably just some gift from Yamagata for putting the sword police in line or something. Nothing to be concerned about.

He picked up the hilt, accidentally pushing a small button on the handle. I bright red light shot out the top, glowing and humming and honestly scaring the crap out of Kenshin who yelped and threw the thing a good three feet away into the bushes. The red glowy stick thing sliced through a tree as though it were butter. Oddly it didn't seem able to slice through the earth though, and it sat glowing menacingly at him.

After catching his breath and finally realizing that it wasn't going to jump out at him again, Kenshin stepped forward to look at it again. It was some kind of sword... Only it had a glowy crackly blade. He tried to poke it and it crackled, shooting a reddish-pinkish arc of electricity at his finger. Kenshin yelped, his eyes flashing amber for a moment, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

So, someone gave Battousai a glowy sword. Fine... He tried some of his old kata with it. It was kinda fun. Like a laser light show, only with it making the sound of a bad speaker and random sparks... oh, yeah... and the fact that Kenshin didn't know what _any_ of that stuff was, anyway...

He was halfway through his kata when he realized something disturbing...

The glowy fizzle sword had no blade... it just had a glowy fizzle stick. And the glowy fizzle stick could cut things. Thus it could kill things.

Thus he had spent the past half hour playing with a sword that was, by default, not reverse-blade anything...

_Kuso._

* * *

In a galaxy far, far away another incomplete apprentice was muttering about his lost lightsabers and wormholes, while his master, Obi-wan tried not to kill the boy in his impatience... It wasn't like the missing sword would hurt anyone else... but still... who knew where it would wind up..

* * *

When Kaoru got home from her shopping, she found Kenshin standing over a buried object. He was twitching, his eyes amber...

Knowing better than to bother him in that state, she carefully walked away to leave him alone for awhile... though she couldn't help but be concerned, not only about the evident battousai moment he was having... but also over what sounded momentarily to be some rather harsh, raspy breathing... Hopefully he wasn't getting a cold...

* * *

**Owari**

* * *

_Author's Note: It's bad. I'm sorry... I tried! But my brain is fried...! bows forgive me, please!_

(Note from misaoshiru: Does not.)_  
_

_Dewa mata!_

_Sirius_


	7. Halfbaked Gift

**Disclaimer:** Neither Ruroken nor Easy-bake oven is mine, that it is not…

"**Half-baked Gift"  
**_by SiriusFan13_

Kenshin sat on the steps to the engawa, holding an icepack to the very large lump on his head when Sano had found him Christmas evening. Sano took a seat next to the rurouni and send him a questioning look.

Kenshin sweatdropped.

"Okay. Spit it out. What happened?"

Kenshin cleared his voice and replied softly, "Megumi-dono gave Kaoru-dono a gift."

"So?"

Kenshin shifted uncomfortably. "It was something called an Easy-Bake oven. Apparently there is _no_ way to poorly bake using it."

"Ahhhh," said Sano, leaning back with sudden understanding. "And the raccoon still wrecked the food."

"It would have been good," Kenshin replied quickly in her defense, "if it didn't have the consistency of a rock."

Sano snorted, while Kenshin rubbed his head. "Sessha should have just swallowed it. Then it couldn't have been used as a dangerous, blunt object, that it could not…"

"And where is Kaoru, now?" Sano asked, feeling a bit uneasy.

"Kaoru-dono is baking something called a fruitcake for Megumi-dono…"

**Owari**


	8. Smile

This entry was done by Super Sheba, who was supposed to be one of the original collaborators but couldn't do it. Except, when Jupe got really busy, she volunteered to do one. Here it is.

**Smile**  
By Super Sheba.

He just wouldn't smile. No matter what she did, he just would not flash her a smile. Not even the simplest grin would grace his lips, and she, being of an overly happy nature, was about to bang her head against the nearest blunt object. And Misao was not one to discourage easily. This said a lot about the nature of her beloved Aoshi-sama. This also said a lot about Misao's nature, strange and excitable as it was. Thus, Misao Makimachi became determined to make her Aoshi-sama crack a true smile. Of course, she would have to prepare, seeing as how if she did so, she'd be facing the apocalypse. No, not _an _apocalypse, _THE_ apocalypse. Yeah. It was that big of a deal.

Misao, being of a sly nature, began to ponder what made normal people smile, but then realized it would take about five hundred times more of what made the average human smile to make Aoshi-sama smile. Then it hit her. Perhaps if she were to give him a gift he would smile. At first she had thought of giving Aoshi a certificate entitling him to her soul, but then realized after some prompting from Okina, that that was slightly creepy. Not that she cared, but she did not really want to chance scaring Aoshi. That was the other way to cause the apocalypse, and she had already decided how she wanted to bring forth the apocalypse. She did not think she could bring it about twice either. Otherwise, she'd have been willing to try.

Instead, Misao decided to employ her mad ninja skills in order to discover what her Aoshi-sama might like. Other than green tea, that is. She already knew he liked that, and he seemed to have an unlimited supply of the beverage. So, stealthily the young ninja went about spying on Aoshi to the best of her ability. She was almost 100 percent sure that he already knew she was spying on him, but she decided to ignore that little fact. Of course, she was also sure it hadn't helped when she had stubbed her toe on a door, fallen down the stairs, and run into the fichus.

Finally, Misao collapsed with exhaustion into a heap on the floor.

"How the hell does that man get around so quickly?" Misao asked herself as she panted.

It was then that Misao was struck with a brilliant idea. Literally. She pulled the book that had fallen from the bookshelf from atop her head and looked at it. It was entitled "The Human Psyche" or something to that effect. Any way she looked at it, the book was about some complicated subject that was definitely most Aoshi-like. After all, she WAS in his study.

Misao's mood suddenly brightened as the idea finally reached her brain. She could get him a book.

"If I were an Aoshi-sama, what kind of book would I enjoy?" Misao questioned as she stroked her chin in concentration. "_Pop Goes the Hamster and 200 Other Fun Microwave Games_, perhaps?"

With a shake of her head, Misao decided that the aforementioned title was a bit too silly for her Aoshi-sama. Still caught in concentration, Misao soon realized that she did not know what kind of books Aoshi might appreciate, and decided that she would journey to the book kiosk within the marketplace. She had not been there since she had bought Hiko that joke book. It really was too bad the old fart could not appreciate it.

Upon arrival, Misao was quickly shocked by the many titles that were for sale.

"'_Her Story: A Romantic Encounter_,' '_Inspired Hippopotamuses_,'" Misao stared at the assorted books, reading the titles aloud. "No, those just won't do!"

Misao groaned in annoyance as she glared daggers at the books that were most definitely not books that Aoshi would enjoy. However, Misao's mood soon changed when she laid her eyes on the thickest book she had ever seen. Remembering how all of Aoshi's books were thick, leather-bound books, a smile crept across Misao's face.

"'Dictionary,' eh?" Misao inspected the tome with the utmost scrutiny. "It's leather bound, the lettering on the outside is fancy gold, and it's thick enough to sit on."

Poking her head out from behind the book, Misao waved to catch the stall-tender's attention.

"Oi, Tomizuka-san!" called Misao in a voice that was much louder than necessary. "How much does this book cost?"

Upon hearing the answer, Misao frowned as she gazed into her money pouch. She did not have enough money.

"I see you do not have enough money." the old woman stated.

"Yeah," sighed Misao in discontent. "And I was going to buy that huge book for Aoshi-sama too."

"It's a gift, eh?" the old woman asked. "For Shinomori-san? That man needs some cheering up. Take the book and hand me the money you have."

"Really?" Misao questioned the old woman, joy evident in her bright eyes. "Thank you very much, ma'am."

With that, Misao carried the large book home, struggling the entire way. Aoshi's reading habits were going to get Misao killed. As she walked, Misao's curiosity began to poke at her with a very thick mental stick. She could hardly stand it, leaving this book shut. It beckoned her, cried for her to open its spotless cover. Not wanting to be further beaten by her curiosity, Misao snuck through the Aoiya's door and walked cautiously towards her room. She could not let Aoshi see the gift before she got a chance to look at it, err--- give it to him.

Misao flopped onto the ground and opened the cover of the dictionary.

"Aoshi-sama probably already knows most of the words in this book, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort." thought Misao to herself as she placed here finger on a random page. "Cornucopia. Noun. An abundant, overflowing supply."

She flipped to another random page.

"Sesquipedalian. Adjective. Containing many syllables." Misao looked at the new long words she was discovering.

That was how Okina found Misao three hours later, still lying on the floor reading the dictionary.

"Misao, what are you doing?" Okina asked the girl suspiciously. "You've been in here all afternoon."

"I fear your hypotheses pertaining to my activities are rather erroneous, Jiya." Misao commented nonchalantly.

"Who are you, and what have you done with my pretty Misao?" commanded Okina as he stared wide-eyed at the girl.

Okina then noticed the enormous book in front of Misao. Shaking his head, Okina laughed and left Misao to her reading.

"I am ready to give Aoshi-sama his gift now!" Misao shouted in elation.

No amount of learning would ever cure the poor girl of her loud nature. Realizing what she had done, Misao clamped her hands over her mouth.

Attempting to again use her ninja skills, Misao crept around the Aoiya in the quietest manner she could manage. Unfortunately, the huge book was making a lot of noise, and it was especially loud now that it was wrapped. Misao felt a tap on her shoulder and nearly jumped out of her skin. She whirled around to find herself staring at her target.

"Target spotted!" Misao exclaimed, forgetting that she was stating her thoughts aloud.

Aoshi gazed at her, his reaction to her exclamation hidden within the depths of his ice blue eyes. In short, his face looked just as it had when he had tapped Misao upon the shoulder.

"Aoshi-sama, I have a gift that I wish to bestow upon you." Misao explained as she tried to hide the present behind her back, and failing miserably.

Aoshi inwardly cringed. Most of Misao's gifts involved things like ruined cooking and worms. He suspected the next thing she's offer him would be her soul, but he would never admit that to her.

"Aa." replied Aoshi.

There was no sign of a smile on his face. Misao hoped that he would be happy once he had opened the present.

Aoshi ever so neatly slid the wrapping paper from the book, not allowing a single rip to mar the paper's elegance.

"There is a cornucopia of sesquipedalian words within this tome." Misao said, hoping she was not pronouncing any of the words incorrectly. "Within the text of this dictionary is a plethora of words that have the ability to greatly augment your already enormous vocabulary."

"Aa." Aoshi responded. "Thank you."

Without uttering another word, Aoshi carried his new dictionary to his study. Approaching his bookshelf, Aoshi's lips began to curve slightly. He pulled his copy of the exact same dictionary off of the shelf and threw it away, hiding it beneath other trash. Aoshi gazed at the slightly used binding of the dictionary, placed it upon the shelf where the other dictionary had rested, and smiled.


	9. Etiquette 101

**Disclaimer: **We all like chocolate, right? Does it mean we own the pieces from heaven? No. Same with Kenshin. (This concludes my disclaimer. 8D)

* * *

**Etiquette 101**  
_By Punch Buggy_

"You're going."

A stoic man calmly raised an eyebrow. "Is it really an intelligent idea to push me, Tokio?"

"Is it really an intelligent idea to piss off a menopausal woman, Hajime?"

Two sets of molten amber narrowed. Christmas cheer indeed.

"You are beginning to make me realize that marrying my double was very unwise."

The slim woman leaning lazily on the doorframe snorted at the comparison. "Please. Do not insult me; I'm more of a cat than a wolf. But that's straying from the topic." Tokio took this chance to glare stubbornly up at her husband as he flipped open his lighter. "All I'm asking is that you attend one class, so why can't you just cooperate? It_ is_ your Christmas present, after all."

"Some pointless Western holiday is in no way worth going through one of your schemes to make me into the man you wish you married, dear," Saitou drawled, speaking past his newly lit cigarette.

"It's only an etiquette class, Hajime."

Saitou let out a puff of smoke. "Exactly."

Tokio breathed a frustrated sigh and nearly growled at his resistance. Suddenly her eyes took on a mischievous glint as a stroke of brilliance stuck her. "That's too bad. I figured you would have enjoyed the chance to defeat Himura-san in something." Just as she expected, a brief look of interest flickered across Saitou's normally smirking face. "This would be the perfect chance. Living in the mountains with a hermit could _never_ produce the perfect etiquette you could obtain through this class. It would be an unconventional win, but a win nonetheless."

Tokio watched as the Mibu Wolf silently contemplated her reasoning. She inwardly smirked, already knowing what his answer would be.

"I will go, if only for the chance to defeat Battousai. Do not think I'm doing this for you."

This time Tokio's smirk reached her lips. It would seem that her husband had been wrong after all. Yes, a dog could be tamed with food and a man could be tamed with money. But it seemed that a Mibu Wolf could be tamed as well, but by something even _more_ deadly.

His extremely manipulative wife.

* * *

"First of all, I would like to wish you all a merry Christmas and thank you for choosing 'The Jolly Rancher Etiquette Boutique' to hone your skills," a feeble-looking woman sternly stated, "And second of all to wish everyone the best of luck! This is a difficult mission that you must treat with care and execute with the _utmost_ precision!"

Amongst the large flock of whispering women, Saitou Hajime was, for once in his life, at a loss of words.

What the _hell_ did he just get himself into?

As he was about to make a break for it, something particularly large smashed into his side. Turning to shoot his famous death glare at whatever had dared to touch him, Saitou came face to face with what appeared to be the missing link.

Somehow, even knowing Battousai, Saitou had missed the memo that appearances could be deceiving.

"So, big boy," a sugar-coated voice cooed, twirling greasy strands around plump fingers, "how much can you bench?"

_Twitch._

"Cease and desist, vermin."

The beast huffed, giving her best pout in an attempt to attract something_ besides_ flies. "Awwwwwww, come on sweetie buns! Is that anyway to talk to a lady such as myself?" she questioned, "seductively" tracing the curves of her blubbery rolls.

At this point, Saitou was debating whether conniving wives fit under the Aku Soku Zan policy.

"Leave my presence, foolish…" Saitou paused, examining her with understandable confusion, "…woman."

"I can't leave!" her shrill voice squawked in response, "I'm the assistant teacher! I'll be with you all day long, smuckums."

_Twitch. _

Why was it that he didn't bring his katana again?

Oh, yes. His lovely, _caring_ wife thought it would be "for the safety of everyone if he left it at home".

What about _his _safety, dammit?!

An idea struck, and if Saitou was the type to cackle aloud, he would have at that moment. But, being Saitou, he settled for a smirk. A fairly wide, frightening one.

For the first time in years, he was truly looking forward to heading home to pay some _quality _time with his wife.

"Now now, everyone! Take a seat at the chair with your name tag on it immediately! We must not dawdle!"

The beast wobbled over to the front of the room to stand beside the instructor, turning to blow the ex-Shinsengumi a flirtatious kiss.

Saitou glared.

_BOOM._

Saitou smirked.

Who said Shishio was the only master of spontaneous combustion?

A few screams and nervous glances later, the amber eyed man decided to actually follow instructions and look around for his chair, taking a brief glance around the room. Flashy garland was interlaced between stair rails and draping over doorframes, and there was a large Christmas tree sitting in a corner, fully adorned with poinsettia and glowing red bulbs. There was a distinct smell of cinnamon and apple cider, which he perceived was coming from the large bowl of potpourri on the fireplace's mantle. The whole ensemble was fairly invigorating and inviting.

If you weren't Saitou Hajime.

'_Do it to defeat the Battousai,'_ a voice in his head urged. Normally he would dismiss the little voice in his head due to its inferiority, but this suggestion was far too tempting to simply discard.

During his inward musings, Saitou had missed the fact that the instructor, now conveniently without an assistant (thanks to the Mibu Wolf himself), had walked out of the room. She soon trotted back in holding a large cardboard box. Saitou strolled over to the last empty seat, realizing this was the start of the class, and shot a quick glance at the name tag.

_Fujita Goro's behind owns this seat and I own his! XOXO  
_

_Much love, darling! _

_-Tokio_

_P.S. Gatotsu anyone and you're on the couch._

That damn woman was asking for it.

…And she was going to get it.

Moodily ripping off the name tag and shoving it into his pocket, Saitou sat down on his chair and elegantly crossed his legs.

Hey, if he was to be tortured, he may as well look sexy doing it.

"Listen, people! I require that you have hygiene in this class," the instructor crowed, "so please take an apron and pass it down! You must wear it, or I will dismiss your pathetic self from my classroom!"

_Twitch._

Oh, _hell _no.

Saitou warily gazed at the aprons being passed around the table, and nearly gagged at the mere color of the things.

They were all _pink_.

With little hearts and smiling bunnies playing merrily in the snow.

Saitou did this first thing he could think of to escape the horror.

He fainted.

Not a few minutes later, he woke up with a crowd of worried females slapping his face in an attempt to rouse him. Ignoring the urge to gut them all, Saitou sat up and waved the annoying women away, barking a stern, "I haven't died, fools."

He quickly got off the floor only to realize that his clothes felt a tinge heavier. And, somehow…happier. He looked down.

_Twitch._

Those little…

Just as Saitou was about to drift away into some, errr…_gory _thoughts, a small, oval package was placed on his plate along with the usual Western utensils.

"Please unwrap your Twinkies, everyone."

While the rest of the girls simply tore the wrapping off the oddly named pastry, Saitou stared at the thing and inquisitively raised an eyebrow.

What was this "Twinkie" they spoke of?

Slipping on one of his gloves, Saitou carefully poked and prodded until he was positive the heart attack in cellophane did not have explosive properties.

Satisfied with the examination, the Mibu Wolf took the daring step to actually unwrap the fat incarnate.

No explosions.

…Yet.

Saitou scowled. What was the purpose of this sickeningly sweet confection?

Little did he know he would soon receive his answer...

"Everyone take up your knives and forks and hold them in ready position, STAT!"

Saitou fumbled with the foreign utensils.

"Now SLICE, people, SLICE!"

The Mibu Wolf set his tools down with a superior smirk, reaching to grab a hold of his katana.

A plethora of girls screamed and dove under the tablecloth as Saitou, with a feral gleam in his eyes, Gatotsu-ed the Twinkie.

Silence enveloped the room.

"…Class dismissed."

* * *

No more than a week later, Saitou was solemnly sitting in the Tanuki's dojo for dinner.

"Saitou."

"Yes, Battousai?"

"That's not how you're supposed to hold a fork, de gozaru."

_Glare._

"Shut up, Battousai."

"…Oro?"

**End.**

A/N: -shot- I cannot believe I just wrote any of that. XD Special thanks to Roo-san and Saya-san for the Twinkie names! 8D


	10. Gag Gifts Galore

**Disclaimer:** -sobs- Still don't own anything. It's a sad life, being a Kenshin fan. ;.;

**Gag Gifts Galore**

_By Punch Buggy_

Seta Soujiro let out a mischievous giggle as he peeked around the corner of the Juppongatana's base at Mt. Hiei. Apart from April Fool's Day, Christmas was his absolute favorite time of the year. Everyone seemed to have a serene smile on their lips, unlike the rest of the months when Soujiro was the only one who was capable of doing something _besides _scowling. But there was one small thing that made Christmas even better.

Gag gifts.

Tiptoeing to the edge of Usui's room, Soujiro gently set the nicely wrapped package in front of the door and quickly settled himself behind a large potted plant. The boy calmly waited for the large door to swing open and reveal Usui, who had no doubt heard his attempt to silence his footsteps with that "Shingan" of his.

After not more than a few minutes of crouching, Soujiro heard a low chuckle and instinctively looked up to the ceiling. There the man was; hanging from his weapon with a superior smirk that clearly said "I knew you were there the whole time, sucker".

Soujiro stood up and nonchalantly patted his clothes, sending the man currently hanging from the roof a bright smile. "Ah, so there you are, Usui-san. I was merely dropping off a Christmas gift. I hope you enjoy it."

As the boy walked away, Usui leapt down and picked the present off the floor, his brow furrowing in an attempt to see through the package with his Shingan. No such luck. Usui strolled into his room and shut the door rather loudly, his mouth set in a firm line. What could it be?

The blind man quickly unwrapped the present and felt the surface, noting its fluff texture stretched over a hard base. Even more intrigued, Usui continued to feel around the item and discovered, much to his surprise, that the gift was shaped almost like a deformed human's would be. Legs, hands, feet, arms…they were all there. It even had two large, glassy spheres for what he guessed were eyes, and another sphere (this time made of stuffed fabric) for what appeared to be a nose. Captivated by this strange gift, the man continued to feel around. Finding a button on its left foot, he pushed it.

The imposing figure of Usui unexpectedly jumped as a loud, childish voice echoed through the room.

"AHAHAHA! YOU TICKLED ELMO! AHAHAHAHAHA! THAT TICKLES! DO IT AGAIN!"

He pushed the button again.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AGAIN, AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!"

An amused smile overcame Usui's face as he discovered the joys of the Tickle Me Elmo.

* * *

In the west wing, Komagata Yumi picked up a brush and began running it softly through her hair, stopping every so often to untangle a knot that had weaseled its way in during the day. She continued gazing into the mirror, watching the brush slowly ripple through her chestnut stands, smoothing her hair down and giving it a luxurious shine.

Hearing a soft rapping on her door, she slowly stood up and opened the door, coming face to face with a smiling Soujiro.

She raised one elegant brow. "What are you doing here, Boy?"

"Just delivering a gift, Yumi-san. I thought it might help you remember your beauty in years to come," he chirped in response, holding the package out for her to take.

With an irritated scowl, Yumi ripped the present out of Soujiro's hands and roughly slammed the door in his face. Plopping unceremoniously onto her couch, she began to remove the brightly colored wrappings. As the last scrap of paper fell to the floor, Yumi gazed in awe at the shiny piece of technology in her hands.

The little note Soujiro had attached had called it a "camera", and instructed that she look into the lens and push the little silver button to receive something more perfect than any artist could even _hope_ to produce. And if what the note had said was true, her beloved Shishio-sama would have a beautiful keepsake of her for Christmas. In a better mood, Yumi smiled, looked into the lens and pushed the button.

…And literally had the shock of her life when the thing zapped her with all its mini shock camera might.

"**_BOOOOY!_**"

Right outside the door, Soujiro let out a bark of laughter. Too bad the gag camera didn't actually take pictures, because he would have _loved _to have seen her face just then.

* * *

Not more than fifty feet down the hall, Kamatari nearly dropped his customized scythe at the loud scream. _What the hell was that?_

"Merry Christmas, Kamatari-san!"

Whirling around, Kamatari barely caught the package as it was thrown in his direction. Steadying himself and taking note of the festive holiday wrapping, the effeminate man quickly looked up to question Soujiro, but found that the smiling boy had disappeared.

Taking this chance to examine the package, Kamatari jumped to the conclusion that it was a message for his beloved Shishio-sama by its resemblance to the box of sweets Soujiro had once used to relay some important news. Believing the Christmas wrapping was a method of disguise, he began to remove it (since, after all, there was no one to hide it from anymore). Kamatari tore off the last bits of paper and blinked at the exposed bundle.

_Pretty Pretty Princess Tea Set and Makeover Kit. Ages 3 and up._

Realizing this particular package was his and his alone, Kamatari cackled.

Shishio-sama's right hand woman was no match for him with _this_. Now, if only he could boot the boy out of his position as right hand man as well…

Kamatari trotted off with newfound glee, murmuring excitedly about something along the lines of _Shukuchi for Dummies_.

* * *

While all of this was going on, Soujiro had already struck again.

It was blaringly obvious by the way Houji was drooling over his newest way to organize his master's many ingenious diabolical plots.

A device called a "PDA".

Rushing to Shishio-sama's room, Houji hurriedly knocked on the door, only entering after he heard an exasperated "come in".

Throwing open the door to relay the great news, Houji blinked.

"Can't you see I'm busy, Houji?" Shishio snapped, fully concentrated on the screen before him, "What is it you want?"

"Well, I was – you have very fine footwork, Shishio-sama. What is this machine called?"

"Not that it is your position to ask, but this is called Dance Dance Revolution. It is a gift from Soujiro," he barked, his wrappings nearly coming off with the jerky movements of his arms and legs, "Now leave so I may conquer it."

"Yes, Shishio-sama."

Houji bowed and dismissed himself, cradling the PDA as he walked back to his room.

Meanwhile, Soujiro was lying back on his bed with a satisfied smile.

"Ho ho ho."

**End.**

**A/N:** Okay then! O.o Wow, that was weird. But anyway, I want to apologize for my mistake last chapter (that two very smart people pointed out! 8D). I had meant to convey the thought that he used his knife, but somehow, I ended up saying "katana". XD -shot-


	11. Futae no Kiwhiffle?

**Disclaimer:** Jupe does not own RK. Or whiffle bats.

Futae no Ki…whiffle?

by Jupe-san

"Oi, Fox. You in here?"

With a longsuffering sigh, Megumi turned slowly towards the disturbance in her orderly life.

"What do you want, tori-atama?"

He smiled lazily and scratched the back of his head with one hand, extending the other towards her apologetically. "I got into a fight and now my hand is all messed up again, so if you could ju-"

"No."

Smile dropping, he stiffened before consciously relaxing his stance. "Eh? Why not, Fox?"

He didn't like that look on her face. It usually meant imminent emotional and physical pain.

"Because," she said sweetly, voice dripping with sarcasm, "I haven't restocked on the cure for stupidity yet. Sagara Sanosuke, _when are you going to stop destroying your hand?_"

"Er, when I get a better weapon?"

He could almost hear the gears turning inside her brain.

"I'll make you a deal."

"Oh, er, I've got to go help out Kenshin with some obscure problem that he was having with, er, Tae! Yeah, Tae! See, she needs her roof fixe-"

"If you promise to use the weapon I give you rather than your fists, I will set your hand again."

He was silent for a few moments. Megumi briefly wondered if his brain had died.

"You got yourself a deal, Fox."

He _really_ didn't like _that_ look on her face.

* * *

"Fox."

"Yes, Sano?"

"What the _hell_ is this?"

"It's called a whiffle bat."

"…And I'm supposed to pummel people with it… how?"

"Like this, baka!"

_Whack!_ "Ow! That hurt, Fox!"

"See? It's perfectly functional."

"Damn it, Megumi, I thought you were gonna give me something like my ol' zanbatou, not some pansy club that's freakin' _hollow_!"

"Too bad for you. Go knock yourself out."

"I'd rather knock _other_ _people_ out."

"Get out of my clinic."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

The street fighter trudged down the alley ways dejectedly, whiffle bat dragging on the ground next to him.

"Damn Fox."

As if it wasn't bad enough that his hand was busted up and now, thanks to a promise, unusable, he had the street fighter's equivalent of a sakabatou as his only weapon.

In frustration, he rammed the whiffle bat into the ground, unconsciously unleashing a Futae no Kiwami in the process.

The earth quaked. Roofs shuddered and creaked. Dogs barked. Children cried. Tofu buckets flew through the air.

Sano stared at the whiffle bat, dumbfounded.

And then he grinned.

* * *

"Have you heard?"

"No, what's the word on the streets now?"

"Zanza's back and has a new weapon that can cause earthquakes!"

"Holy shit! No way!"

"It's true! I saw it myself! It's bright yellow, shaped like a club. He just hits the ground with it, and the world shakes!"

"K'so, man. I need another drink."

"Yeah, me too. To Zanza!"

"To Zanza, and his quake-maker!"

"I'll drink to that."

* * *

Sano's reputation spread like wildfire as the "quake-maker" of Tokyo. Grown men fled his presence at the sight of his whiffle bat slung over his shoulder.

Frankly, Sano was bored as hell.

His eyes narrowed.

Perhaps he should pay a visit to his favorite doctor.

* * *

"Oi, Megitsune."

"Yes, Tori-atama?"

"I got something for you."

_Whack!_ "Ow! Sagara Sanosuke, what was that for!"

"Finally, I got to hit someone with this damn whiffle bat! Everyone keeps running away before I get a chance to fight 'em."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe I didn't want you fighting any more?"

"…"

"I take it back. Sano, stop thinking so hard before you break your brain."

"If I'm not fighting, what am I supposed to be doing?"

"I'm sure I could think of a few things."

"Such as?"

"Well, to start with, you could take me out for dinner."

"Sounds great! Let's go hit up the Akabeko tonight!"

"…On your money."

"Oh, golly gosh, I just remembered something important I'm supposed to do tonight. I'll have to call our date off."

"Just quit while you're ahead. _Please."_

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

Merry Christmas. : D


	12. Hiten Mitsurugiryuu, Kung Fu, and Tofu

**Hiten Mitsurugi-ryuu, Kung Fu, and Tofu**  
_by misaoshiru (who probably shouldn't admit to having written this... XD)_

It all started innocently enough. Kenshin was in the market doing Kaoru's shopping, as he is in the intros to roughly forty-seven percent of all Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction. Then, he had an _entirely unexpected _epiphany that Kaoru's tofu bucket had really taken a beating over the years of torture fanfics, kidnappings, and all manner of bad luck that only the Himura family seemed capable of attracting. It was a wonder that they still ate tofu at all. But in any case, he eyed the shiny, undamaged, and most importantly new tofu buckets the tofu bucket vendor, an odd looking fellow by the name of Watsuki, was selling. They all looked so shiny, durable, new, and did I mention shiny? Unfortunately, he noted the price tags with dismay; they were all too expensive for him to afford.

Kenshin was pulled out of his reverie by the near-feverish mumbling of Watsuki. "First a tofu vendor, then a tofu bucket vendor?" he murmured. "Whatever happened to respect for the manga-ka? Damned fanfiction writers." Then, the chibi pig-man-thing raised his head, looking at Kenshin as if seeing him for the first time. "Oh yeah, I was supposed to sell you a bucket."

"O...oro? Pardon?"

"I'm supposed to sell you a tofu bucket."

"But this one couldn't..."

"As much as I hate doing this, here!" Watsuki said, his eyes lighting up like those of a used car salesman. "See this, the Ultimate Tofunator 1900." He held up a monstrosity of a tofu bucket covered in flickering lights and various switches and buttons that altogether made it look like it belonged sometime in the distant future.

"Ah ahm da Tofunator," the tofu bucket said in a thick Austrian accent. "Prepare ta be tahminated."

"No, no, not mass destruction mode, please. I'm showing you to a customer!"

"Aww. Ah lahk da mahs destrahction mode."

"This model is state of the art. It can hold up to forty-seven blocks of tofu in its special easy-to-use compartments. It is programmed to keep tofu at an ideal, properly refrigerated temperature. It gets thirty-three miles to the gallon, and if you buy it now, I'll include this attractive pine air freshener free of charge, all for just $5999.99! And you won't have to pay any interest until 1890."

"But this one doesn't have the money. Sessha doesn't even know what a dollar is."

"Oh, sir, money is no object. For if you buy this bucket, I will include a credit card that lets you buy whatever you want without even spending a single one yen piece."

"Well, this one was hoping to buy a new tofu bucket for Kaoru..."

"All right. Here you are!" Watsuki said, thrusting the heavy tofu bucket, credit card, air freshener, and about twenty pounds of instruction manuals, end user manuals, pamphlets, special offers, and a _Tofu Buckets Monthly_ magazine or two at Kenshin.

"Oro," Kenshin said, falling to the ground the moment the massive weight hit him in the chest.

"You gahrly mahn. Wait, ya ahr a mahn, ja?"

* * *

Needless to say, Kaoru was pleased when Kenshin came home bearing a new, high-tech tofu bucket. Mind, Kaoru had loved her old one. It had been there through the good times and the bad. More bad than good; the thing seemed to be cursed. Still, maybe it was time that Ken-chan retired. (Yes, she named her tofu bucket after Kenshin. Deal with it.)

Kenshin's shopping had gone without a hitch after the purchase of the tofu bucket. Well, except for when he felt a sudden throbbing pain in his hand, that is. Was he going crazy, or had the tofu bucket _bitten_ him? In any case, he had managed to get special deals on both the daikon and the rice. That credit card thing turned out to be handy after all! He, Kaoru, and Kenji had a nice dinner before Kenji performed his nightly routine of yanking out a good few handfuls of daddy's hair and they all went to bed.

It was probably sometime around eleven when Kenshin first noticed that something was seriously off. His hand felt like it was on fire, and was it just him or was he smaller than usual? It was when his arm began to disappear that he panicked, stumbling around in the near-blackness of the bedroom, the only light streaming from the full moon and in through the window. Had he turned into a werewolf?

No, he quickly realized as the transformation process reached its end. He had no appendages, and he felt an odd urge to carry soy products. "Oro," he said, testing whether he could still talk and finding out that he could. "This one has become a were-tofu bucket!"

* * *

Yahiko knew that midnight was always a bad time to drop in on one's friends unannounced. Then again, it wasn't often that a bo--young _man_--proposed to his girlfriend, and if he played his cards right, he might get lucky, too! That's why he ran out of the Akabeko, claiming to just be getting some fresh air, and ran to the dojo to ask Kenshin for advice.

He opened the gate easily enough; he had known it would be a good idea to keep his key when he moved out. Then he knocked the door. And again. And again. And then he rang the doorbell, even though the dojo never had a doorbell in canon. Ding-dong, the witch is dead, the wicked witch is...what? Can't a girl insert random movie references in peace?

(Someone throws a brick at the writer. The person is thanked, and as soon as the writer comes to, the story continues as normal.)

_As_ I was saying, before someone so rudely interrupted, Yahiko continued to attempt to attract the attention of the people within by any means necessary. This attracted the attention of several large cats, a few feral dogs, and the occasional bear who would have put him out of his misery if the door hadn't slid open just before he could be maimed.

"Yahiko," Kaoru said, half-growling. "Are you aware what time it is?"

"I need to speak to Kenshin."

"At midnight."

"Well, yes. He and I need to have a...man-to-man talk."

"...You finally hit puberty?"

"What? No! I mean, yes! I hit puberty a long time ago! Kaoru," he whined. "Just let me inside. Please?"

"You have five minutes. Take one second more than that and I will make you wish Kamiya Kasshin-ryuu was not a non-killing style and that I could put you out of your misery."

Yahiko gulped. "Yes ma'am!"

The two headed over to the bedroom, Yahiko dancing around antsily as if he was a two-year-old needing to use the potty and Kaoru yawning, rubbing her eyes and counting the seconds until she could go back to sleep. Kaoru clapped once. (What? You've never seen Clapper lights in a nineteenth century home?)

In the middle of the room was a king-sized futon with various blankets askew on both sides. The bed was noticeably empty. That Kaoru was not asleep was unsurprising, but where was her hubby?

"...Where's Kenshin?" Yahiko asked after an awkwardly silent minute or so.

Also noticeable was a tofu bucket lying on the floor a foot away from the futon. Kaoru looked at it as if in a trance before saying, "I'm not sure. But wherever he is, I trust him."

"You're awfully trusting."

"Duh. You read volume one. You were _in_ volume one."

"True enough."

"Anyway...do you think you could watch Kenji while I go out and buy some tofu?"

"...Are you aware of what time it is?"

"So?"

"Why would you need to buy tofu at twelve in the morning?"

"...Midnight snack?"

"Kaoru, the vendors went home _hours_ ago."

"...Plot development?"

"Fine. But you'd better hurry, busu."

_Whack! _"I resent that!"

"So I noticed! Just go, damn it!"

* * *

Kaoru danced in the streets, clutching the tofu bucket close to her. "Now what should I name you, cutie? I know! Ken-chan 2.0!"

"Oro..." Kenshin said meekly, but he was not heard.

"I adore tofu buckets! They never cry out or whine, and you don't have to feed them! They are so reliable, unlike men. And they're so sexy!" Kaoru leaned over, her face close to the bucket. She gave it a soft kiss. "When all else fails, you're the only one who stays by my side. Do whatever you want as long as you don't tell me you'll leave."

"This one won't ever leave you, Kaoru," Kenshin said in a level, serious tone, "but what's all this about?"

"...Oro?!" Kaoru squeaked, dropping Ken-chan 2.0. It/he fell to the ground with a clatter. "B-but...?"

"Before you ask, this one doesn't quite know what's going on either. The tofu bucket sessha bought appears to have been cursed somehow, and it bit me. This one supposes he is now a were-tofu bucket de gozaru."

"...You bought me a cursed tofu bucket?" Kaoru asked, glowering and drawing her bokken. "Husband or not, I'll...!"

"Maa, maa. This one didn't know it was cursed!"

"I guess you have a point. But what'll I do now?"

"This one doesn't know, but sessha would like an explanation as to the tofu bucket thing."

"Umm...this is awkward. Can I explain this to you later?"

"Yes," a voice said from a back-alley, and Kaoru felt a gloved hand covering her mouth. She bit a finger.

"Zut!" the owner of said finger shouted, removing his hand. Kaoru slipped free and whacked the gloved man with her bokken. He fell like a sack of potatoes.

Unfortunately, three more masked figures surrounded her, and one of them picked up the tofu bucket. "We got bucket," the one who appeared to be the leader said. "Surrender, woman, or it we destroy."

Kaoru dropped her bokken but looked at him defiantly. "Ninjas," she said, cursing under her breath, before she and tofu-Kenshin were dragged away.

* * *

Yahiko sat cross-legged in Kenji's room, scowling. Although he wasn't crazy about babysitting the brat in general, it was so incredibly boring when all the toddler did was to snore. There had to be a better way to spend his time. Like romancing Tsubame, for example. How stupid he had been to give his word to Kaoru! But a samurai didn't break his promises, and Yahiko was a samurai if one had ever been born. So he stood up and began to wander the dojo, searching for something with which he could occupy himself.

It wasn't long before he found something odd - another tofu bucket, one exactly identical to the one in Kenshin and Kaoru's bedroom. He pondered this for a moment before realizing what this meant...who really cared if they lost a spare? Time for kendo practice.

He set the tofu bucket on an upturned log and began to practice his headshots on it. Before long, true to nature, it began to complain.

"Ah ahm da Tofunater 1900, nah some weakling prahctice dummy. Why dahncha be a real mahn ahnd faht me without ya puny bahmboo swahd?"

Yahiko didn't respond. Instead, he continued his hitting until the leather straps he had secured the bucket with snapped and the Ultimate Tofunator 1900 flew over the fence in a parabolic arc at a speed of five meters per second. If the distance from the log to the fence was three meters, find the accel...

(misaoshiru's physics teacher is whacked upside the head with her own class textbook. The aforementioned writer cheers, and the story moves on.)

"Ah'll be baaaaahck!" the Austrian tofu bucket yelled as he sailed over the fence.

* * *

The gag that the ninjas had put upon Kaoru's mouth would have been much more effective if it wasn't made of cheese. The same went for the beef jerky bindings on her wrists and ankles. Before you could say "misaoshiru is an awesome writer," she was free. (This is your cue to deflate the writer's big head, by the way. Long, painful blades work particularly well for this.)

"Very impressive," one of the ninjas said. "But can all of us fight?"

"Huh?"

"Can all of us fight?"

"I really wouldn't know the answer to that."

"Can all of us defeat you?"

"I hope not."

"Why that would you hope?"

"Oh! So what you're asking is if I can beat all of you?"

"Yes. You slow on uptake."

"Why is your Japanese so bad, anyway? Are you foreigners?"

"No. We just ninjas. Ninjas always bad grammar have."

"The Oniwabanshuu have pretty good grammar..."

"Well, us don't. Except Pierre, but he prefer to speak French."

"Mais oui."

"Now you answer question."

"I don't know. Why did you kidnap us, anyway?"

The lead ninja gave her a strange look. "Us? We just not like tofu."

"J'aime le tofu."

"Shut up the mouth, Pierre."

"Je suis desolé."

"Why is it that you don't like tofu?" Kaoru asked, giving the lead ninja a weird look. "What did tofu ever do to you?"

"I was once were-tofu bucket."

"You were? Wait, so you aren't now? How did that happen?"

The ninja shrugged. "Everyone know only cure for were-tofu bucket is for wife to do riverdance."

"...I can't riverdance! Not here, without any Irish music. Or Shania Twain."

"I see tofu bucket is friend. If that be case, you must. Were-tofu bucket can be fatal."

"...Fatal?" Kaoru fell into a twitching heap. "I did not just hear that, I did _not_ just hear that." Finally, grudgingly, she began to dance. The ninjas clapped her on, and soon enough, Kenshin popped back to his normal, oro-ing self.

"Oro..." Right on cue.

One of the ninjas gasped. The lead ninja spun around and faced him. "What be matter?"

"That be Hitokiri Battousai, who sworn I have to kill!"

"Oro...why must there always be weirdoes after this one's life?"

"You have to admit that you're just as weird as any of them are," Kaoru said cheerily. Kenshin simply oro-ed.

"Why is it that this man you have sworn to kill?" the lead ninja asked.

"I heard rumor that he no like pudding."

"...What is pudding, de gozaru ka?"

This time, all of the ninjas gasped. "Have to kill him we shall."

"Yoda we are?" one asked before they lunged toward Kaoru and Kenshin.

Kaoru picked up her bokken, which had been left conveniently beside her. Kenshin picked up a long stick of cheese.

"Where'd that come from?" Kaoru asked, blinking.

"This one doesn't know."

The two fought against the ninjas. And fought some more. At a brief pause in the fighting, Kenshin said, "The style you are using is a formidable one that this one has not seen before. What is it called?"

"It we call kung fu. It be formidable style, yes?"

"...Am I the only person who has the sudden urge to break into disco?" Kaoru asked.

"No," one of the ninjas said.

"No, you is not," another helpfully added.

"Let's dance!" shouted their leader.

Suddenly, the entire group broke into song. "Everybody was kung fu fighting! Those jerks were fast as lightning."

"...This incident we not shall speak of again."

"Agreed."

"Good idea."

"Oro."

"Now to our duel we return," the ninja leader said.

"Wait," Kaoru said before the fighting could resume. "I thought you can't call it a duel if there are more than two people."

"She's right, de gozaru," Kenshin chimed in.

"Okay, okay. We fight tag team," the lead ninja granted. By the way, that's a long "e" there. He is not, in fact, made of lead. Sorry if you are a big fan of heavy, hazardous metals and thus disappointed by this discovery.

The duel started off with Kaoru versus Pierre. Pierre wielded a loaf of French bread in each hand. Unfortunately, as hard as French bread can be, particularly when stale, it is no match for a hard wooden sword, so Kaoru won easily enough. Next came Yuki, the ninja with a reputation for being cold as ice. It was not a merited reputation, however. He spent the whole fight making bad puns, so Kaoru was able to dispatch him easily enough.

"Tag, you it," he said, poking Big Bob in the shoulder. Bob was Japanese, yet he was still named Bob. Science has no explanation for this phenomenon. He towered at about 5'8". Okay, so 5'8" really isn't that tall for a guy, but he was still half a foot taller than Kenshin.

"Okay," Kaoru said to herself, trying to remain calm. "I can beat him." She couldn't, although she definitely put up a fight. Afterwards, Bob kicked Yuki. Apparently, he didn't like to be poked.

Kenshin was up next. His cheese stick flashed about like...well, like a stick of cheese in the grip of an expert swordsman. A cheesesticksman? In any case, he used one of those cheesy, physically impossible kenjutsu moves he always does, only cheesier than usual.

(Lem approaches misaoshiru and pokes her. "Samui."

"Yes, it is quite cold," the writer says, looking up from her computer.

"You know what I mean." The lemming-ish person thwacks misaoshiru with her tablet.

"Oro...what was that for?"

"...I love you, my friend, but you are really annoying sometimes."

"I know.")

Anywho, whatshisname is K'O'ed. Woohoo. So then it's down to Kenshin and teh boss guy. Who was wielding a potato gun. "All those pudding who dislike shall perish! You I shall conquer! All your base are belong to us!"

Kenshin whacked the projectile potato with his cheese stick, which snapped. The cheese split the potato nicely, making a perfect baked potato. "You is genius!" the ninja shouted. "You I cannot conquer, even if pudding you do dislike. Please, my life spare."

"This one does not kill anymore."

"Genius and merciful you be! I are impressed. To you apologies for you have suffered any inconvenience."

"Fair enough," Kaoru said from where she lay on the floor. "Kenshin?"

"Yes?"

"Let's go home."

"Yes."

* * *

Yahiko was more than relieved to be relieved from babysitting duty. He had been hoping to rejoin Tsubame, but the sun was already starting to come up. Luckily, he knew where she lived.

"Yahiko-kun?" she said as she opened the door. "Where were you?"

"I'm so sorry, Tsubame! You wouldn't believe what happened."

"Then tell me already."

"I got caught up in...childcare."

"...And what child were you caring for? Don't tell me you've been cheating on me." Tsubame started to cry.

"What? No! Tsubame, listen, I would never...!"

"Just tell me who the mother is."

"Kaoru. Tsubame, I told you, it's not my..."

Tsubame stared up at him with teary eyes and slapped him across the face. "You disgust me."

"Love, please! If you just let me in, I'll..."

"If you want to get lucky, you'll have to go elsewhere." The door slammed shut in Yahiko's face.

"Damn it." And just last night, he was doing so well in the romantic department! Advice was for chumps, he decided as he walked away, swearing to go buy Tsubame some chocolates and try again in a few hours.

* * *

"...Kenshin?"

"Yes, Kaoru?"

"Let's never, ever eat tofu again."

"Agreed."

Kaoru stood up. "I'm going to go check the mail."

"This one will come with you."

"It's not like I'm going to be attacked by a bunch of sumo ninjas from the planet Penguin."

"Sessha enjoys your company."

"Sweet." Kaoru opened the mailbox and pulled out an oddly thick envelope. "Credit card bill?"

"This one didn't know ducks had anything to do with credit cards..."

Kaoru opened the envelope and stared. "Kenshin," she said, her voice a low hiss, "you don't know how credit cards work, do you?"

"N-no, sessha doesn't. Is this one in trouble?"

"Let's just say you'll be sleeping on the couch for quite some time."

"We don't have a couch de gozaru."

"The porch, then."

"It's winter!"

"That's what blankets are for, dear."

**The End.**

_Omake by Jupe_

"Just tell me who the mother is."

"Kenshin. Tsubame, I told you, it's not my..."

"How is that possible?"

"He's a were-monster, so he has unnatural reproductive capabilities that we won't go into because we just wanted to get Kenshin pregnant."

"Ororororo?"

* * *

Author's Notes:  
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Or somesuch.  



End file.
